I still haven’t worked out who I want to be or what I want to do when I grow up, so on this blog please join me while I try and work it out while keeping child-like creativity alive!  Find home and fashion inspiration; travel and days out; photography, writing and more. Have fun looking around 🙂

 

00

Why ego is the thief of joy

Hurricane Ophelia orange sky

Do you remember the day when Hurricae Ophelia hit the October before last and the sky turned orange and the sun turned red? Well I’m writing this on that day (though no doubt I’ll edit it and make it a bit more coherent in a few days time! (edit: a year and a half later!)). It was the most bizarre kind of day – the clouds were a dark steely grey, yet there was not a drop of rain. The sun was red and the sky was pink like sunset, yet it was noon, and the wind brought down any leaves or branches that were dead or dying. It was no wonder many people had thoughts of the apocalypse occurring. As I reached the top of the hill on our dog walk, I had a bit of an epiphany……

(Sentimentality alert!:) (And another warning: this post gets a bit deep and tragic I’m afraid.) If the whole of human-kind died that day, and I spent the last moments with my family, I would be quite happy at the end of my life. My only sadness would be that my children wouldn’t get to live enough of theirs. But I’ve been fortunate enough to live a happy, comfortable, and loving childhood and adulthood and have two of the most adorable and wonderful people in my life that I am very proud to have as my daughters, and a husband who is kind and loves me. Why then, have I spent much of the last few years crying in depression over the state of my life?

I haven’t talked about this on my blog or on my YouTube channel before, nor even to anyone in real life apart from Chris, and quite frankly, I don’t particularly want to now. But for the last few years I’ve been having a bit of a mid-life crisis. Not the fun kind when you buy a stupid but gorgeous car and risk everything on a torrid exciting affair; but sadly, the kind where I go over and over the fact that my life has been a complete and utter failure and if I died right now, I wouldn’t have achieved anything or done anything successful.

landscape photo of a rainbow when hurricane ophelia hit england

So this is the thing: why would I die happy if everyone was going to die right now? And why would I die depressed, if I was the only one to die right now? As far as I can tell, it comes down to this: ego.

Generally speaking (ie. not just for me) there is a lot of pressure in our lives to be successful. There is a lot of emphasis on working hard and killing it. There is an expectation (maybe particularly for us grammar school kids) to pick a career and do well at it; rise to the top of the game. I’m gradually coming to terms with the fact that this isn’t my story. Maybe it never will be or maybe it is still to come.

But what does it matter? I mean, really? I am SO fucking lucky to have what I have. The things I mentioned above are what is really important. So what if I’m in my middle years and still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up; let alone be any good at it? Who really cares if we don’t actually manage to hashtag girlboss and hustle our way through life? Only our egos.

So yeah, I guess this blog post is giving myself a bit of a talking to, as well as hopefully spreading a little positive message to enjoy the important things in life and ignore our ego. There’s no need to let it get us down.

Edit: Eighteen months after writing this post I’m finally publishing it – probably because it isn’t such a sensitive subject for me any more. I’m in a much happier, positive place right now and have more-or-less come to terms with what hasn’t worked out for me career-wise and am more relaxed about it. I still remember that day clearly though – it was such a strange atmosphere outside – all the wildlife knew something was up, and you couldn’t help your thoughts getting a bit deep. It really brought home what is more valuable in life. So yes, comparison may well be the thief of joy, but so are our egos. Let both go and we can be a lot happier.

 

Linking with #sharealllinkup at Not Dressed as Lamb.

 

 

Musings and ramblings, Writing,
00no comment

Other posts you may like:

3 days in new york – Day 1. The story of the photographs
February 10, 2017
Oh dear, I had trouble narrowing down the number of photos of New York to include to make it a reasonable length blog post! We did a hell of a lot each day, so I had to include enough to illustrate that, and I managed to get it down to fifteen photos, which I thoroughly enjoyed preparing. By the way, I should explain that this is the first post about the epic holiday our family went on last July. (I’ve had so many blog post ideas that it’s taken me this long to get to it!) I’ve decided that pictures speak a thousand words, so these are mainly going to be photography based travel blog posts, rather than tonnes of information provided. However, if you’d like more information about anything I mention, please just ask in the comments – I’ve got a box full of leaflets and tickets and a detailed diary to refer to.
jealousy of bloggers
An admission of jealousy of other bloggers
June 15, 2017
Have you ever noticed how it’s generally successful people who advise you not to compare yourself with others? I hear it a lot lately and it’s really annoying me! When I hear someone with a hundred and seventy thousand Instagram followers and a blog with an income good enough to support their family, spout quotes on their popular podcast such as “Comparison is the thief of joy”, do I think, Oh yes, that’s really good advice, thank you for that? No I do not. I swear out loud and stick two fingers up at my computer. I hesitated as to whether to share this horrible, ugly side of my personality here, but then I thought, Sod It, no-one’s reading this anyway(!)….
blogtober blogging advice
5 excuses not to do Blogtober this year – Blogging advice
October 2, 2017
Are you a blogger and feeling the pressure to take part in Blogtober? (ie publishing a blog post every day for the month of October.) Well worry no more; I have five good reasons why you shouldn’t do it! You don’t have the time. No seriously, you probably don’t. Unless you’re my friend Kathryn, who, in the space of twenty minutes at our village writers’ group, can write a well written, fully plotted short story of about two thousand words; or you’re that girl who put her hand up for seven extra sheets of paper during her GCSE English exam, really think about how long it takes you to write a blog post. Particularly if this isn’t your full-time gig and you’re also doing a ‘proper’ job and/or looking after a family. Unless you’ve been planning Blogtober for a while and have a stash of posts ready to go in advance; when exactly are you going to do all this extra work?…..

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Instagram has returned invalid data.