Today is Ostara, the spring equinox, and it’s an understatement to say it took me by surprise. Having spent six weeks in America again for Chris’s work, I feel like I missed winter. Even though the temperature right now is still very wintry, I look outside and I can see daffodils and the blackthorn coming into blossom, and it makes me smile, even though I’m not quite ready for it…
We came home to a very ill dog, and we only had a couple more weeks with our beloved Neapolitan Mastiff, Loki, before the vet came and put him to sleep. That was one week and one day ago, and I think it’s going to be a long time yet before the days without him stop being so difficult. Time has travelled strangely; from the visit to the vet on Wednesday, to him coming to our house on Thursday, and the shock of it still on Friday – it seemed to take a fortnight.
So that is why I haven’t been blogging – probably my longest gap in years. Some people are able to throw themselves into work with their grief, but I’m finding it very difficult to concentrate on anything. I’m walking from my study to the living room, to the kitchen, to the garden and back again; not really sure what to do with myself. I slip in and out of denial, forgetting, remembering; thinking I can still hear him in the other room; expecting him to be there when I open the door; but also giving his slobber towels a last wash and packing them away; putting his bed up in the roof; throwing away the out of date packets of teeth cleaning chews he stopped wanting near the end.
And all the while, the rest of the world is anxious about the coronavirus. I’m only just beginning to make space in my brain for that; with our big family holiday in May unlikely, and my daughters’ planned events now cancelled; everything seems utterly awful right now. So, Ostara is here, and we don’t feel like celebrating, but as usual, I’m still going to do a mini Easter egg hunt for the kids as maybe we can find a moment leaning towards happiness.
I’d also had quite a long gap in YouTube video uploads, but as I find video editing a repetitive task that leaves no space for mind-wandering, it has been ideal for recent days when I’ve wanted to give my emotions a rest. So I’m catching up on those at the moment, so if you’re finding yourself at a loose end with no-where to go, you could pop over to my YouTube channel for a bit of an escape. Yes, there are going to be a couple of sad ones about Loki coming up, but also there are declutters and sewing videos to come, along with the vlogs from America I’ve just posted.
Stay safe and well. If your kids are at home from next week, along with trying to continue working; I wish you the best of luck.